Category Archives: Abuse

I Do Not Regret Sharing My Story of Sexual Assault With My Children

Originally published by Thought Catalog at www.thoughtcatalog.com

When I was 8 years old a teenage boy who I didn’t know approached me while I was playing outside on the sidewalk in front of my home. He explained his bike was stuck in the mud in the river and he asked me if I’d help him get it out. I remember feeling hesitant, but at 8 years old not only did I feel coerced and intimidated by an older boy, but I simply thought you helped people who asked. Soon after our interaction I began a several block walk away from my home and into the depths of a cemetery where the river was located.

But there was no bike stuck in the mud, and it wasn’t long after I realized this fact that I was lying on my back on top of a grave site, sobbing uncontrollably, with my pants and underwear pulled down while he forcefully thrust his penis against my vagina. Any innocence I had prior was lost in that moment.

On April 1, 2015, President Obama issued a proclamation declaring April 2015 as National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. Based on the official White House press release, one of the goals is to work together to prevent sexual assaults.

Most of the work is on us, starting within our own homes. How many parents talk candidly about sex with their children, first of all, and then second of all, address the scary reality of sexual assault?

I started talking to my children about sex as soon as they could participate in a conversation. Our conversations have been open, fluid, ongoing, casual and evolving. It’s naive to believe children aren’t exposed to sex from an early age. It’s in the media, and in all their everyday interactions, as well as we are all born sexual beings (how do you think they got here?).

Sexual discussions begin as simple as using the proper names for reproductive parts. But I also tell my children no one touches you or removes your clothing except for mom or dad, or a physician, and a physician is only allowed to do so if mom or dad are with you. I tell them some people hurt children. I tell them I don’t know why, but they do.

Often our conversations about sex start because they ask a question, and I answer honestly, allowing them to continue to ask questions so they direct the conversation. If we see a sex scene on TV, I remind them sex isn’t the same in real life, and ask them if they have any questions about anything they saw. We talk about how sex is healthy and good, and that someday they will enjoy it, and that I hope they do.

But while some of our discussions are about the healthy, good side of sex, when my son reached age 8, the same age I was when my rape occurred, and an age when he started to want more independence, to play outside by himself, I told him my rape story. I used gentler terms, but I painted a clear picture of the reality that someone can take him from his home. It happens all the time. It happened to me, his mom. My children know my rape story, and often nonchalantly recount it, saying, “A boy took you once, mom.” or “It’s good he let you go, mom, because we wouldn’t be here if he hadn’t.” They seem to understand the dangers some people pose to them; hopefully better than I did.

I have no regrets about sharing my story with my children. I think it makes them more aware of the protection provided in staying close to home or with their parents, and proceeding carefully with strangers. They seem much less accommodating to strangers than I was; being nice is how I became a victim.

I think telling them my story helped them to understand why I’m protective. Sexual assault is not always a “stranger danger” issue (in fact, it’s rarely a stranger). So I keep them a little closer, and they don’t spend the night with or have large amounts of time alone with very many people.

Years later I feel fortunate to be alive, to be able to share my story, and maybe even help someone. There are stories across the country of children who weren’t so lucky. In 2012 the Evansdale, Iowa cousins Elizabeth Collins and Lyric Cook-Morrissey were abducted while riding their bikes. Their bodies were discovered in December of the same year. While I endured an assault and the resulting emotional scars which changed my life forever, I was still tucked in my own bed that very same night.

I don’t know if I can do enough talking with my children or take enough safeguards to protect my children from a sexual assault, or an abduction, or any serious crime. But I’m going to try.

~Raine

Why I’m Skipping Seeing Fifty Shades of Grey

As hordes of people flock to see Fifty Shades of Grey in theaters, I’ll be skipping it.

I haven’t read the books either nor do I plan to.

As a woman who writes about encouraging healthy sexuality and wants to make the discussion more mainstream, you might be surprised. You might think I’d celebrate the introduction of more sexuality into the mainstream media and marketplaces. Hell, Fifty Shades themed toys are now sold at Target!

Fifty Shades is definitely opening up the conversation about sex and I do applaud it for that. It is making some of the discussions about sex more socially acceptable. That’s awesome!

But otherwise it’s a horrible representation of real world sex. So unfortunately is  most porn. What is also unfortunate is the amount of people, particularly men, who receive sex education in the form of porn. Real world sex is messy, fun, healthy and wonderful, but there is still a great deal of shame and little discussion around healthy, real sex. The choices are porn or nothing for most.

As with a lot of porn you’ll find on the Internet, Fifty Shades is abusive. Today’s porn focuses on male pleasure primarily, domination of women and horribly demeaning, abusive acts. Cum on her face. Choke her. Stuff multiple dicks or objects into all of her orifices. Most women don’t enjoy that.

Thoughts?

~Raine

Photo credit, Mike Mozart

Why Do Many of My “Squirting” Book Sales Come From the UK?

The first sale of my book, Squirting: It’s Easier Than You Think, came from the UK, and subsequently every few days I see sales trickle in from the UK. It is my second largest buyer, the US being the first. The other sales coming from Canada and Brazil.

I’m located in the US so it would make sense my book sales would be concentrated there. But I’ve done no marketing in the UK (that I’m mindfully aware of at least). Yet a large concentration of my book sales have come from the UK.

Squirting was banned from the UK in December 2014. Interestingly enough, the same month my book was published.

OK, so squirting itself wasn’t banned from the UK, but it’s depiction in porn was. UK residents can still squirt in the privacy of their own homes, but they can’t enjoy pornography depicting such a heinous sexual act (notice the sarcasm).

Maybe my sales are UK-based because if you take something away, you make them want it more?

Banning squirting from porn makes no sense to me, as well as to anyone I’ve seen comment or write articles about the ban. Banning bestiality porn makes sense. Banning teenage/child porn makes sense. Even banning BDSM makes sense to me…. yes, every 50 Shades lover is going to hate me, hell BDSM lovers will hate me too, for that matter. Removing abusive, illegal sex from porn makes sense because abusive porn can encourage abusive sex. But squirting is a fluid which is normal, and naturally comes out of a woman’s body. If that’s the case, porn showing semen coming out of a dick should be banned too.

On another note, don’t the ladies in the picture above look content and happy? That’s how many women feel after squirting. Let’s not take the enjoyment of that away from them by banning or labeling squirting as shameful.

~Raine

Photo credit, Ted Van Pelt

#LikeAGirl & Despising Women

Originally published by Thought Catalog at www.thoughtcatalog.com

I’ve despised other women. Hated them. Been jealous of them. I’ve wanted them (and a few times have even warned them) to stay away from my boyfriends, my husband, or any romantic interest. I’ve been suspicious of their actions, distrustful of them in general. I’ve felt disrespect for them and I’ve thought less of them than their male counterparts.

I have female friends (and always have), but I have always preferred male attention over female. I was never the girl with a large group of female friends. Many of my female friendships occurred because the female pursued a friendship with me, and I suppose because humans need companionship, eventually I allowed them in, but not without a level of distrust always present, at least initially. I have female friends who I’ve been friends with for many years who I do trust now. That trust has been built over time, and to me they are different than the average female. I rarely meet a female and really make much attempt to be friends with them.

THIS phenomenon, unfortunately, is not all that uncommon. For whatever reason, women often feel threatened and jealous of other women. We love each other, yet we hate each other. We forge less-than-genuine friendships with each other. We automatically make negative assumptions about other women, and see them as rivals. We are competitive and catty. Often we gossip about each other. We hate pretty women just because they are pretty. We hate women who are smart, confident and successful, just because they are. Yet men don’t react to other men this way, instead forming “bromances” with each other. It’s not uncommon to hear a woman (myself included) say she can’t relate to other women and she gets along better with men. When a woman says this she is essentially saying being a girl is bad, while being a guy is good. When men insult other men, they may say “stop being a pussy or a bitch” or “get some balls.” We call each other sluts and whores. Why wouldn’t women prefer to be men when both women and men seem to agree there is something wrong with being a girl?

My feelings about women, and female relationships didn’t start to change drastically until just recently when I wrote Squirting: It’s Easier Than You Think. I wrote the book for women. If you only read the title, and have not actually read the book, you probably don’t understand the book is about nurturing women and empowering women. While the change in how I treat myself as well as others has been gradually changing, as I started writing the sexuality book, I felt a intense desire to help women. My next book, which should be completed soon, is about my struggles in leaving an abusive relationship. AGAIN, I wrote it for women. I want to help women and empower them.

When I saw the #LikeAGirl commercial last night, it was a lightbulb moment. Watching the commercial, and thinking about the way we view females made me realize my past disdain towards women was because I hated myself. I AM a woman. If I hate woman, it’s hate directed towards myself. I’ve seen such a stark transformation in myself over the last few years as I’ve become more empowered, more confident, stronger. My self-love has grown. With self-love, my love for others has grown, and I’m starting to see myself react to others with love and understanding, and to stop condemning.

The hate towards women, the disrespect towards women has to stop. We’ve come so far as a society with acceptance. Why are we still treating women as the lesser sex? How can we ever expect men to respect women if we don’t even respect each other? There’s a strange thought among women that if a woman is smarter, prettier or more successful, she must have a great, almost perfect, life. But in reality she experiences heartbreak, depression, feelings of low self-worth and all the other struggles everyone else does. It’s time as women to start opening our eyes and hearts to each other. ~Raine

Well…this is me

Well…this is me. Some days I’m not sure how I got to this point in my life. Life experience led me to first write a sexuality book, and now I’m working on publishing my second book, about my time (a long time) spent in an abusive relationship. I struggle with sharing these parts of myself, some of the most vulnerable parts of myself, of my life, of my history. I didn’t come here in pursuit of exhibition, but instead I hope to inspire others (particularly women) to become stronger, happier, empowered. It seems we’ve come a long way as a society, but yet we still have a lot of work to do in how we treat each other, and just as importantly how we expect ourselves to be treated. Join me on this journey of sharing myself with you through my writing. I hope something will hit a nerve and inspire you to become a better, healthier version of yourself. Maybe some of you will inspire me along the way. ~Raine