Category Archives: Acceptance

I Do Not Regret Sharing My Story of Sexual Assault With My Children

Originally published by Thought Catalog at www.thoughtcatalog.com

When I was 8 years old a teenage boy who I didn’t know approached me while I was playing outside on the sidewalk in front of my home. He explained his bike was stuck in the mud in the river and he asked me if I’d help him get it out. I remember feeling hesitant, but at 8 years old not only did I feel coerced and intimidated by an older boy, but I simply thought you helped people who asked. Soon after our interaction I began a several block walk away from my home and into the depths of a cemetery where the river was located.

But there was no bike stuck in the mud, and it wasn’t long after I realized this fact that I was lying on my back on top of a grave site, sobbing uncontrollably, with my pants and underwear pulled down while he forcefully thrust his penis against my vagina. Any innocence I had prior was lost in that moment.

On April 1, 2015, President Obama issued a proclamation declaring April 2015 as National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. Based on the official White House press release, one of the goals is to work together to prevent sexual assaults.

Most of the work is on us, starting within our own homes. How many parents talk candidly about sex with their children, first of all, and then second of all, address the scary reality of sexual assault?

I started talking to my children about sex as soon as they could participate in a conversation. Our conversations have been open, fluid, ongoing, casual and evolving. It’s naive to believe children aren’t exposed to sex from an early age. It’s in the media, and in all their everyday interactions, as well as we are all born sexual beings (how do you think they got here?).

Sexual discussions begin as simple as using the proper names for reproductive parts. But I also tell my children no one touches you or removes your clothing except for mom or dad, or a physician, and a physician is only allowed to do so if mom or dad are with you. I tell them some people hurt children. I tell them I don’t know why, but they do.

Often our conversations about sex start because they ask a question, and I answer honestly, allowing them to continue to ask questions so they direct the conversation. If we see a sex scene on TV, I remind them sex isn’t the same in real life, and ask them if they have any questions about anything they saw. We talk about how sex is healthy and good, and that someday they will enjoy it, and that I hope they do.

But while some of our discussions are about the healthy, good side of sex, when my son reached age 8, the same age I was when my rape occurred, and an age when he started to want more independence, to play outside by himself, I told him my rape story. I used gentler terms, but I painted a clear picture of the reality that someone can take him from his home. It happens all the time. It happened to me, his mom. My children know my rape story, and often nonchalantly recount it, saying, “A boy took you once, mom.” or “It’s good he let you go, mom, because we wouldn’t be here if he hadn’t.” They seem to understand the dangers some people pose to them; hopefully better than I did.

I have no regrets about sharing my story with my children. I think it makes them more aware of the protection provided in staying close to home or with their parents, and proceeding carefully with strangers. They seem much less accommodating to strangers than I was; being nice is how I became a victim.

I think telling them my story helped them to understand why I’m protective. Sexual assault is not always a “stranger danger” issue (in fact, it’s rarely a stranger). So I keep them a little closer, and they don’t spend the night with or have large amounts of time alone with very many people.

Years later I feel fortunate to be alive, to be able to share my story, and maybe even help someone. There are stories across the country of children who weren’t so lucky. In 2012 the Evansdale, Iowa cousins Elizabeth Collins and Lyric Cook-Morrissey were abducted while riding their bikes. Their bodies were discovered in December of the same year. While I endured an assault and the resulting emotional scars which changed my life forever, I was still tucked in my own bed that very same night.

I don’t know if I can do enough talking with my children or take enough safeguards to protect my children from a sexual assault, or an abduction, or any serious crime. But I’m going to try.

~Raine

Why I’m Skipping Seeing Fifty Shades of Grey

As hordes of people flock to see Fifty Shades of Grey in theaters, I’ll be skipping it.

I haven’t read the books either nor do I plan to.

As a woman who writes about encouraging healthy sexuality and wants to make the discussion more mainstream, you might be surprised. You might think I’d celebrate the introduction of more sexuality into the mainstream media and marketplaces. Hell, Fifty Shades themed toys are now sold at Target!

Fifty Shades is definitely opening up the conversation about sex and I do applaud it for that. It is making some of the discussions about sex more socially acceptable. That’s awesome!

But otherwise it’s a horrible representation of real world sex. So unfortunately is  most porn. What is also unfortunate is the amount of people, particularly men, who receive sex education in the form of porn. Real world sex is messy, fun, healthy and wonderful, but there is still a great deal of shame and little discussion around healthy, real sex. The choices are porn or nothing for most.

As with a lot of porn you’ll find on the Internet, Fifty Shades is abusive. Today’s porn focuses on male pleasure primarily, domination of women and horribly demeaning, abusive acts. Cum on her face. Choke her. Stuff multiple dicks or objects into all of her orifices. Most women don’t enjoy that.

Thoughts?

~Raine

Photo credit, Mike Mozart

Why Do Many of My “Squirting” Book Sales Come From the UK?

The first sale of my book, Squirting: It’s Easier Than You Think, came from the UK, and subsequently every few days I see sales trickle in from the UK. It is my second largest buyer, the US being the first. The other sales coming from Canada and Brazil.

I’m located in the US so it would make sense my book sales would be concentrated there. But I’ve done no marketing in the UK (that I’m mindfully aware of at least). Yet a large concentration of my book sales have come from the UK.

Squirting was banned from the UK in December 2014. Interestingly enough, the same month my book was published.

OK, so squirting itself wasn’t banned from the UK, but it’s depiction in porn was. UK residents can still squirt in the privacy of their own homes, but they can’t enjoy pornography depicting such a heinous sexual act (notice the sarcasm).

Maybe my sales are UK-based because if you take something away, you make them want it more?

Banning squirting from porn makes no sense to me, as well as to anyone I’ve seen comment or write articles about the ban. Banning bestiality porn makes sense. Banning teenage/child porn makes sense. Even banning BDSM makes sense to me…. yes, every 50 Shades lover is going to hate me, hell BDSM lovers will hate me too, for that matter. Removing abusive, illegal sex from porn makes sense because abusive porn can encourage abusive sex. But squirting is a fluid which is normal, and naturally comes out of a woman’s body. If that’s the case, porn showing semen coming out of a dick should be banned too.

On another note, don’t the ladies in the picture above look content and happy? That’s how many women feel after squirting. Let’s not take the enjoyment of that away from them by banning or labeling squirting as shameful.

~Raine

Photo credit, Ted Van Pelt

Why I’m Having Less Sex Than Ever After Writing a Sexuality Book

You’d think a “professional squirter” would have lots of sex. And yes, I was given that title! From the lovely, funny folks at the Peter Pinho Radio Network (PPRN) when they interviewed me about my book, Squirting: It’s Easier Than You Think. Although I will admit I don’t have any plans to allow myself to be pigeonholed into such a title. My writing is about so much more, and you’ll see that in the months to come as I release more of my writing, and more of my books.

But I digress…

Yea I could have sex if I wanted. I could easily score a Tinder date or bring someone home from a bar. But sex is much more complex than we often admit.

I CRAVE intimacy.

I met someone recently who gave me a taste of intimacy. Someone who I connected with, someone who gave me the feeling of probably the closest thing I’ve experienced to “love at first sight.” I’m generally pessimistic about love, but I have to admit, this person felt like home to me. Our interactions were loving and kind and….intimate. Exactly what I’ve been missing out on.

It made me see how unfulfilling all my other interactions with men had been for some time.

I’ve been fortunate in the dating world. I’ve attracted a wide range of physically attractive men who are  fun and doing extraordinary things in their lives.

I tend to seek out the unique and I’ve had no problem finding it.

I’ve dated rock stars, artists, and most recently I went through a spurt of dating only athletes and personal trainers.

The rock stars were fun. Seeing them on stage gives them extra sex appeal, especially knowing every woman wants them, yet most of them can’t have them.

Artists are soulful, passionate. They feed a piece of your intimacy needs, but yet if the full connection isn’t there something is lacking.

As an artist myself, I have nothing in common with the athletes. I don’t even really like sports. Yet physically they are Grade A top choice meat….ok that’s more of a joke from an Adam Sandler movie than a serious commentary, but still they look yummy!

I want to find “home.” Dating is fun and exhilarating, as well as exhausting. I can’t deny I’ve enjoyed it, and still probably will at times (especially if I go through a LONG dry spell). Until, that is, I find the right one.

Human beings are hardwired to desire intimate relationships. We want to share knowledge, concern, interdependence, mutuality, trust and commitment with another human being. Relationships affect our sense of well-being, helping us to feel connected and to boost our feelings of self-worth.

I would give up all the dating in a second for the boring, mundane of just having someone to love, care for, grow old with. What is life without someone beside you? Someone to weather the hard times with? Even just someone to carry you to bed when you get a little too drunk (again a reference to an Adam Sandler movie..sorry).

I want THAT!

What do you crave? Tell me. ~Raine

Photo credit, Ina Centaur

#LikeAGirl & Despising Women

Originally published by Thought Catalog at www.thoughtcatalog.com

I’ve despised other women. Hated them. Been jealous of them. I’ve wanted them (and a few times have even warned them) to stay away from my boyfriends, my husband, or any romantic interest. I’ve been suspicious of their actions, distrustful of them in general. I’ve felt disrespect for them and I’ve thought less of them than their male counterparts.

I have female friends (and always have), but I have always preferred male attention over female. I was never the girl with a large group of female friends. Many of my female friendships occurred because the female pursued a friendship with me, and I suppose because humans need companionship, eventually I allowed them in, but not without a level of distrust always present, at least initially. I have female friends who I’ve been friends with for many years who I do trust now. That trust has been built over time, and to me they are different than the average female. I rarely meet a female and really make much attempt to be friends with them.

THIS phenomenon, unfortunately, is not all that uncommon. For whatever reason, women often feel threatened and jealous of other women. We love each other, yet we hate each other. We forge less-than-genuine friendships with each other. We automatically make negative assumptions about other women, and see them as rivals. We are competitive and catty. Often we gossip about each other. We hate pretty women just because they are pretty. We hate women who are smart, confident and successful, just because they are. Yet men don’t react to other men this way, instead forming “bromances” with each other. It’s not uncommon to hear a woman (myself included) say she can’t relate to other women and she gets along better with men. When a woman says this she is essentially saying being a girl is bad, while being a guy is good. When men insult other men, they may say “stop being a pussy or a bitch” or “get some balls.” We call each other sluts and whores. Why wouldn’t women prefer to be men when both women and men seem to agree there is something wrong with being a girl?

My feelings about women, and female relationships didn’t start to change drastically until just recently when I wrote Squirting: It’s Easier Than You Think. I wrote the book for women. If you only read the title, and have not actually read the book, you probably don’t understand the book is about nurturing women and empowering women. While the change in how I treat myself as well as others has been gradually changing, as I started writing the sexuality book, I felt a intense desire to help women. My next book, which should be completed soon, is about my struggles in leaving an abusive relationship. AGAIN, I wrote it for women. I want to help women and empower them.

When I saw the #LikeAGirl commercial last night, it was a lightbulb moment. Watching the commercial, and thinking about the way we view females made me realize my past disdain towards women was because I hated myself. I AM a woman. If I hate woman, it’s hate directed towards myself. I’ve seen such a stark transformation in myself over the last few years as I’ve become more empowered, more confident, stronger. My self-love has grown. With self-love, my love for others has grown, and I’m starting to see myself react to others with love and understanding, and to stop condemning.

The hate towards women, the disrespect towards women has to stop. We’ve come so far as a society with acceptance. Why are we still treating women as the lesser sex? How can we ever expect men to respect women if we don’t even respect each other? There’s a strange thought among women that if a woman is smarter, prettier or more successful, she must have a great, almost perfect, life. But in reality she experiences heartbreak, depression, feelings of low self-worth and all the other struggles everyone else does. It’s time as women to start opening our eyes and hearts to each other. ~Raine

Making it to #4 on Amazon

A few weeks ago I was sitting in a hotel room, contently gazing out at the ocean. Yet, when you’re self employed, work is never far from the mind so I logged on to Amazon.com….and WHOA, Squirting: It’s Easier Than You Think was sitting at #4 in Amazon.com’s Human Sexuality section. The entire rest of the trip was a celebration!

Making it to #4 in the Human Sexuality section is no small feat considering the books in the top three were 1. a book written by a nationally recognized sex and relationship expert who is also is a New York Times best selling author, 2. a book about the modern kama sutra and 3. a book about seduction which has become an international best seller.

Um, yea, that’s pretty exciting. I guess there are a lot of you interested in the subject. And I shouldn’t be surprised, considering “squirting” is one of the top searched porn terms.

I want to personally thank each and every one of you who has clicked the download button, the pay button or any button which allowed you to purchase my book. You have all made this possible, and I hope my book brings you many, wonderful squirting orgasms! ~Raine

My First Article for the Good Men Project

When I wrote this article, I had been experiencing some love turmoil. I’d shed some tears over the situation and even lost some sleep. But I’d spent much time in meditation too, working through my emotional state. One morning as I’d spent much time on feeling down about the situation, and an equal time working on pitches for my just released book, this story came to me, in what seemed to be a resolution to what I’d been experiencing. I realized how tightly intertwined the two concepts are. How just as with pitching sometimes I need to put the energy out there and wait patiently, or let time and circumstances run their course, so did I need to do the same with my love life. It was a break in how I’d been feeling, and caused me to feel some relief from my emotional turmoil.

I wrote this piece within an hour or so.  A therpeutic practice. But also one which earned a featured spot on the Good Men Project website. They accepted my submission and published it the very next Monday! You can also read it below.

I hope it inspires you. ~Raine

What Networking and Pitching Taught Me About Love and Rejection

After spending 15 years in a abusive relationship, and enduring a two year divorce, I came out of the ordeal fairly gun shy about relationships. Since my divorce I’ve stayed single, dating here and there, but often due to my wounded heart my survival instincts have kicked in and I’ve sabotaged most romantic pursuits. It would take someone special to capture my heart, to allow me to feel secure and safe.

I recently met someone who I knew from the minute I met him was someone I could see myself with, someone I thought I could grow to love, someone who intrigued me, someone who I desired to get to know better.

He seemed just as enticed as me, but for whatever reason after we spent a wonderful night together, he became distant, ignoring my texts and not following through with plans he’d proposed for us to spend more time together.

I was honestly a bit heartbroken.

In the past those experiences have caused my survival instincts to kick in. Instead of waiting it out, giving it time, seeing how things went the next time I saw them, I rushed to the conclusion it will never work and I’m better off alone. I have even felt resentment towards the person, which is a surefire way to turn anyone off. My own way of sabotaging any potential relationship.

Naturally when we feel affection towards someone we want them to feel it back towards us, and react in a similar way as we want to (be willing to set up dates, call us, etc.). When they don’t react in the way we would like or expect, we start to question, how could he or she possibly not like me? We may even wonder if there is something wrong with us. It can take a toll on our self-esteem.

I’m at a point in my career where I’m constantly pitching stories or networking with various types of individuals in the media in order to grow my brand or promote my work.

Often when I approach a magazine, radio producer or any other client, it’s because I like them. It’s because we share a similar message, they are trying to achieve something similar to what I am, there is a shared connection. I like what they represent and I want to be in partnership with them.

A man and a woman perform a delicate dance, particularly when they are just first getting to know each other. Each partner must find the balance between being too aggressive or retreating from the dance entirely.

The dance is similar to when you pursue a new client. If you’re too aggressive in your pitch you may turn the client off. Yet if you don’t pursue it all, you’ll never know if the client may have been willing to work with you.

But even if the client is interested in your message, it may be a matter of timing. Maybe their editorial calender is full, or the content doesn’t currently fit their plan.

In a relationship, the reality is, the person you may be ready for, may not be ready for you yet. They may need a few more experiences, or maybe it doesn’t yet fit into their plan.

Business relationships as well as personal relationships are born out of opportunity and timing. Sometimes those relationships have to be nurtured or they take time to grow into something. A client as well as a romantic interest may come back into your life when the timing is right, when it seems appropriate.

Instead of condemning the person (or client) who I desire to know better, I choose patience, acceptance and love, and the knowledge I’m right where I need to be at this very moment. The universe, God or whatever is teaching me whatever I need to learn at this point in my life.

Who knows, maybe the man I met recently will decide he likes my “pitch” and he’ll come around when the timing is right.

Photo credit, Steve Soblick