Originally published by Thought Catalog at www.thoughtcatalog.com
I had a great date with a man who is handsome, charming, educated, sensual and a gentleman. We drank wine and ate wonderful, expensive food. The date ended with a passionate kiss…and more.
We continued to talk after our date (via text), and I felt excited about seeing him again. I desired to know him better.
Before meeting in person (we’d connected over Tinder) we talked every day, and he mentioned different dates he’d like to take me on…to the movies, restaurants, etc. He seemed anxious and excited to meet me. He attempted scheduling one date that was canceled after he suffered a knee injury during a soccer game. But we quickly agreed to meet for our date another day, just a few days later. He was making every effort to see me, and I too was interested in meeting him.
After the date, while we continued to talk, his texts quickly became more infrequent. While I proposed two different times I could be available to see him again, he didn’t make an effort to commit to either date. In fact, he never even hinted at a desire to want to see me again.
I’ve been on dates in which men seemed excited to be out with me (either by verbalizing it or even just in how they fondly looked at me), so much so that they were planning our next date practically the minute our date ended. I’ve been on dates that were more lukewarm. Maybe the actual date seemed to go fine, but afterwards I hardly heard from the man again. This is that kind of date. I thought the date went great. And I think this man would be willing to go out with me again. Once he was bored, or desired some companionship for a night, he’d probably ask me out again, but he wasn’t excited about me.
His lack of communication, and his unwillingness to at least say “I want to see you again” were all the proof I needed. In this dating world, I don’t want lukewarm.
I sent him a text and told him we want different things. I want to get to know someone. I won’t contact him any longer.
He shot back with what seemed an irritated response explaining he was in the middle of a party and he didn’t have time for this. He said he’d been working long hours, and he’d been busy. He probably was busy. We’re all busy. But when you are excited about dating someone, you make time. I’m sure when he received my message he felt pressured, and as though it was too soon for me to be making such claims. We’d just met each other. And he is right. But if he were to take a serious look at his interest in me, I think even he’d have to agree “he’s just not that into me.”
I shared this story with a close friend who is also dating. She shared she too has a similar situation with someone who seems lukewarm about her. When I told her what I told my date, she said, “You said everything I’m thinking, but that I’m too afraid to say.” She said wouldn’t it be easier just to never respond to him again if he does text me.
Every other woman thinks the very same things I was, but they don’t want to say it. They’re worried they’ll seem crazy if they express their emotions. They also don’t want to say what they are thinking because they want to hold on to the hope that maybe the guy will come around. Or they make excuses for why he doesn’t seem interested at the time….he’s busy, he’s sick, etc. They don’t want to close the door, just in case.
But haven’t you ever been told when one door closes, another opens?
In this age of Tinder and other online dating applications, we seem to spread ourselves thin, talking to too many people at one time, and not focusing on getting to know just one, or even just a few. When you think back to some of your earlier relationships, the kind you had in school, you spent every day with those people, and those relationships were nurtured and grew because you did talk everyday and even saw each other everyday. We struggle to create the same types of relationships as adults, but we have find ways to make it happen.
We all seem to want those lukewarm people hanging around, just to fill the time or have someone to call if we get lonely. Someone to hook up with, or go out on a date with. But are you wasting your time by putting energy into someone who is never going to work out to be anything but a shallow, casual relationship? It seems your time and energy would be better spent on doing things for yourself, or exploring new ways which allow you to grow, or finding new people to date who may actually be interested in you.
After I told him what I was feeling it was though a weight had been lifted off of me. I was free to focus on somebody else who might be more excited to get to know me. I don’t want to wait around, and hope he might eventually become more interested. I don’t want to hope I might hear from him again, or he might ask me out again.
If a man is excited about getting to know you, you will know. If you are questioning their interest, they just aren’t that into you.